Archive for the ‘Gastrointestinal’ Category

Very young man phones – embarrassed – and thinks he has a problem no one else has ever phoned about: A dildo stuck where only gerbils run.

Caller: I have tried everything – and can’t get it out.  What do I do?

Me:  You will have to go to ED and have it removed, unfortunately.

Caller:  But……. what if I get a boner???

Me:   Believe me, we’ve seen everything.  Fear of getting a boner will be the least of your problems…..


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Prim and proper lady phoning from the “nice” area of town:

CALLER:  My son was at the baseball game last night and went celebrating with friends after – you know, to celebrate the win – I think he has food poisoning…

ME:  Is he vomiting??

CALLER: Why yes! He got in late last night – I could hear him come in and he went straight to the bathroom – vomited all over…. and has been ever since….

ME: uh-huh…..food poisoning…..

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Gentleman wants to know how to get rid of hiccups.

ME: Have you tried taking a spoon of sugar?

CALLER: yup. Didn’t work

ME: How about holding your breath and counting to 10?

CALLER: Tried that.

ME: Try breathing into a paper bag for  a limited amount of time….

CALLER: I don’t have a paper bag.

AURRRGGGGHHHH!!!!  Come on, people! Improvise!!!!!!  Now I am supposed to find you a paper bag???? 

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Caller phones in – kid with gastric upset, no diarrhea, no fever, is voiding normally and no hx head injury:

CALLER: Hi, my 2 1/2 year old is vomiting!!!

ME: When did it start and how many times?

CALLER: Just now – and she has vomited TWICE! Should I go to ED???

ME: No ….not necessarily – let me ask you a few more questions…..

CALLER: But she is NEVER sick!!!!

ME: It happens…..

CALLER: Can I give her Tylenol????

ME: Why would you give Tylenol?? She isn’t having pain and there is no fever……it might even make her vomit more….. and could even mask symptoms you are looking for and make her appear sicker than she actually is….

CALLER: Oh……yeah…..

Q#1: Why do people think that if, up until now, their child has NEVER been sick – why do they think they will never get sick – EVER??

Q#2: Why is it that people think they need to automatically drug their kids, even when it is inappropriate?

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CALLER has diarrhea and I am trying to determine the amount of blood present:

ME: How much blood is in your stool?

CALLER: “A lot”

ME: is it ALL blood?

CALLER: I don’t know

ME: partly blood?

CALLER: I don’t know.

ME: streaks of blood?

CALLER: I don’t know.

ME: More than a Tablespoon?

CALLER: I don’t know.

ME: Less than a Tablespoon?

CALLER: I don’t know.

ME: Did you see clots?

CALLER: There was one clot.

ME: How big was it?

CALLER: I don’t know

ME: Larger than a plum?

CALLER : I don’t know….

(At that point I threw in the towel………..and had to send him in….)

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CALLER: I am vomiting – I think I need to come to ED now!

ME: How long have you been vomiting?

CALLER: I just started just now

ME: (asking a multitude of questions re: recent injuries, chest pain, stroke Q&A, dizziness,fainting, dehydration,presence of blood and other pertinent questions – all negative) You can safely stay home.

Q: why would anyone want to come to ED just to vomit when it is so much more comfortable at home?

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CALLER: I think I swallowed a sunflower seed.  Do you think I should go to ED?

ME: { Forgive me but I couldn’t help say it}  What for???

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