Archive for the ‘One Ringy Dingy’ Category

Very young man phones – embarrassed – and thinks he has a problem no one else has ever phoned about: A dildo stuck where only gerbils run.

Caller: I have tried everything – and can’t get it out.  What do I do?

Me:  You will have to go to ED and have it removed, unfortunately.

Caller:  But……. what if I get a boner???

Me:   Believe me, we’ve seen everything.  Fear of getting a boner will be the least of your problems…..


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Young man has picked a zit on his face and it’s now infected.  He has just come from his  MD  and has just started on antibiotics for the now-abcessed lip area.  He is phoning because the antibiotic isn’t working as fast as he would like:

Caller: If I go to Emergency, will they drain it?

ME: What did your MD say today?

Caller: Well, he told me that it’s better not to try and drain it at this time – I might get a blood infection – and I should just take the antibiotics…..

ME: You have to give the abx at least 48 hours to start working.

Caller: Well, I have to go to work tomorrow and I don’t want this on my face.  I just want to know if Emergency will drain it for me?

ME: You really need to let the antibiotics start to work.  One dose does not a miracle cure make.  Have you taken anything for the pain? Have you tried warm compresses?

Caller: No I haven’t.  I just don’t want this on my face!

ME: Unfortunately, you’ve already done the damage – it will take time to go down now that it’s there – there is no instant wonder cure – even if they did drain it – it will look just as bad if not worse…..take the abx and something for pain – you’ll just have to live with it now you’ve messed with it, and if your symptoms get worse instead of better in two days, call back.

…..and no – you don’t want to go to ED with this…..

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Caller had phoned yesterday, then again today – about the exact same thing – symptoms unchanged.   Apparently hadn’t yet taken the advice of the Nurse that talked to her yesterday – to see her own MD and not to go to ED.

She didn’t like that advice so she wants a second opinion, not realizing I can see the notes the Nurse wrote yesterday.

Me:  How can I help you?

Caller: (snotty tone)  Do you mind looking up my file so I don’t have to repeat myself?????

Me: (snotty thought)  Do you mind doing what we told you to do first time around so I don’t have to repeat myself????

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Caller is wanting to see an MD for a minor thing that I suggested Home Treatment for:

Me: You don’t need to see an MD for this, of course unless you have increased pain, swelling, redness or pus draining or streaks coming from the area….

Caller: This is terrible! I want to see the MD but he only works part time and that is so awful for the patients….

Me: Some MDs choose to work only part time for their own reasons – just like the rest of us …

Caller:  But they shouldn’t be allowed!  It is too inconvenient for us.

(I am starting to understand why the MD only wants to work part time…)


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“Gentleman” has run out of his narcotics for pain and is crying and gasping – general histrionics –  at other end of phone:

Caller: I need some  more of my vicodin.  I ran out two days ago and I can’t get to my doctor.

ME: Do you have a family member you can call to take you there?

Caller: I don’t have any family.

ME: How about phoning a friend?

Caller: I don’t have any friends.

ME: There’s always a taxi.

Caller: I don’t have any money for a taxi.

ME: You could call your social worker….

Caller:  I don’t have any more money to call.

ME: I could give you a phone number…

Caller: (interrupting) I don’t have a pen to write down the number.

ME: What do you expect me to tell you? I can’t give you an RX and we don’t go out and transport people.

Caller: Well what f***ing good are you then??? I don’t know why I was given this number.  I’m gonna call 911…


ME: *sigh*

The Gentleman appears at the local ED stating that the “phone nurse” told him to go there….

Nope.  We didn’t.

Note to the RNs and MDs in ED:  Remember – If you don’t believe the 10/10 pain, or any of the other stories this “gentleman” tells you, please don’t selectively believe that little gem of info….no need to call me back and fill my ear with “why did you send him to us…?”

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Prim and proper lady phoning from the “nice” area of town:

CALLER:  My son was at the baseball game last night and went celebrating with friends after – you know, to celebrate the win – I think he has food poisoning…

ME:  Is he vomiting??

CALLER: Why yes! He got in late last night – I could hear him come in and he went straight to the bathroom – vomited all over…. and has been ever since….

ME: uh-huh…..food poisoning…..

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Caller wants to know if his diagnosis is correct and asks RN for her opinion:

Me: Sorry, but diagnosing is outside my scope of practice


Me: The language you are using  is inappropriate……..

*click* – caller hangs up.

Whew. Glad he hung up before I had to……

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